The Birds and the Bee
by Xenophobic Doll
Summary: The wild birds in Sam's neighborhood make the Decepticons look like kittens. Happy, fluffy humor. Very slightly implied BeeXSam slash. Rated for language.


A/N: This is probably the shortest thing I've written in a long time, but the idea popped into my head, and will NOT leave, so I thought I'd jot it down. Not to mention, after just pulling the 4th chapter of Collateral Damage out of my brain with a crow bar, a nice fluffy, fun story, is just the ticket. I do hope you enjoy!

The Birds and the Bee

After Mission City, after the endless series of repairs needed to fix Bumblebee's legs, Bee finally came to the Witwicky house. Sam was glad to have his buddy back. He still went to school as usual, but once the day was over, he'd tear through the building, fly through the parking lot, and there he'd find Bee patiently waiting for him.

Sometimes they'd take a drive, nice and long, winding their way through highways and byways with terrifying speed, all the while head banging to the music blasting from the stereo. Sometimes they'd go to the base the Autobot's were currently building. Now THAT was interesting. Bumblebee helped while they were there, though, there wasn't really much Sam could do labor-wise. So, he just observed, and made occasional helpful comments like, "You missed a spot."

At night, Bee liked to park outside of Sam's window. He was offered the garage, but turned it down, saying he couldn't be an effective guardian if he wasn't close by. So, the family relented, and Sam's dad extended his newly reconstructed path to include a parking area for Bumblebee. Sam's mom planted red and purple flowers around it (those colors she said, looked best with Bumblebee's paint job).

And there Bee would wait patiently, parked in his pretty flower edged parking spot, for Sam to get out of bed. Always there and ready for a road trip, but never pushy about it.

For that reason, Sam was so shocked by the horn blast waking him up at 9 a.m. Saturday morning, that he literally fell out of bed. He scrambled up in a flash, heading for his window before he remembered he was naked. He hunted for a pair of jeans or something, frantically trying to get them on.

Bee wasn't just honking the horn, he was LAYING on it.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

The noise was deafening. He was sure that Bee had somehow amplified the horn to make it louder than any normal car horn. Shirtless, and still fastening his jeans as he got to the window, he looked out, expecting to see something like Starscream slowly crushing the life out of Bumblebee's Camaro alt-form with one giant foot or something.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

There was nothing like that. Bee was out there by himself. What was his problem? Sam ran downstairs in a hurry, taking them two and three at a time. He jumped, and skipped the final four stairs, landing squarely on the hardwood flooring.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Convinced his car and best friend must be dying, he ran outside barefoot, skidding to a halt in his dad's carefully maintained grass. He was wholly unprepared for the sight that greeted him. The entire passenger side window had been completely and totally bird bombed. So much tacky white bird poo stuck to the glass that it was impossible to see inside. And that wasn't even the worst of it. Evidently, that was just the RUNOFF where it'd hit the top of the car, near the edge, and run down. In addition, the hood on that side, as well as the back window were also splattered, just to a smaller degree.

From what Sam could see, every bird in a five mile radius had flown over their yard and used Bee for target practice.

Fittingly, Sam said, "Holy shit!!"

"Thank you Captain Obvious," Bee responded in a decidedly huffy fashion. "Do you think you could stop standing around with your face hanging out and DO something about this??"

Sam's face tried to crack into a grin, but he forced himself to straighten up. "Okay, okay. But, you know, maybe we should leave it."

"What?!"

"Well, I'm just saying. I mean, I've never seen this much bird shit on a single vehicle in all of my life. Like, maybe this is a world record. In fact, it HAS to be a world record. We could get into Guinness!"

Bee seemed less than amused.

"Okay, well fine. But you just remember, fifty years from now, when you look back on your life, and you're all like 'Well, I'm a super, giant alien robot, but I've never been in Guinness book', you just remember, that I tried to talk you out of this. I told you to leave it. And not because, I get my jollies from it or something, but because… because I care about you."

Bee revved his engine in a most disturbing I-may-just-run-you-over-now-and-cry-over-your-corpse-later fashion.

Sam flapped a calming hand at him. "Fine, just let me change into my swim trunks, save from soaking my jeans."

Sam came bounding downstairs in his swim trunks. With him he had a bucket of soapy water, and a camera. He walked over to the corner of the house closest to his bedroom window, turned on the hose and carried it over to Bee. Rather than rinse him off though, Sam dropped the hose, snapped off a few quick pictures, and ran to the other side of the yard before pointing in Bee's general direction and laughing like a loon. After about ten minutes or so, Sam finally managed to pull himself to his feet (that's right, he'd been ROLLING IN THE GRASS laughing at Bee's bruised dignity) and walked calmly over to the yellow Camaro that sat impatiently waiting for him.

"Are you done now?"

Sam grinned, "Yes." He stroked a clean section of hood. "Don't worry, I'll make it up to you."

And he did. By the time he got through washing the Camaro, Bee was practically humming.

_Later that day:_

Pea-brained bird that it was, the tiny wren that had been busily bathing in the Witwicky's newly replaced birdbath, looked at the ginormous bright yellow figure in front of it with absolutely no fear. It wasn't fazed at all by the two huge yellow cannons pointing right at it. Rather, it cocked it's head, and looked at them with one beady little eye, before tittering in a manner that suggested the yellow fellow had best be moving on.

Annoyed, Bee started warming up the ol' cannons. They didn't hurt humans on principle, but there was nothing to say he couldn't blow this bird (that had probably joined in the shit brigade) to kingdom come.

"BEE!" Sam stepped outside, and the first thing he saw was his 16 foot robotic companion, menacing a 3 inch tall bird with not one, but BOTH of his enormous cannons. Sam had a nightmare image of Bee whipping out the fire irons every time he heard a titter.

Bee heard Sam's voice, looked up, and hurriedly hid his cannons behind his back. Then he tried to look innocent.

-end-


End file.
